Did I Offend You?

I’ve been dealing with the issue of offence lately. I find I’m allowing myself to get offended by people and the effect has not been very productive to this process of development. So, as a person committed to growth and development, I sought an answer, tools and tips to better myself in this area and I’m sharing my learning’s with you.

Offence is something people rarely look at as an issue to personal development, about that is because we use there isn’t much understanding of what it is and we tend to address the results of offence instead of offence itself. Offence is often the starting point of many of our negative emotions. Offence is manifested in or displayed through: hurt, anger, bitterness

When we allow offence to permeate our spirits we put up an automatic wall to blessings and open the side door to anger, hurt, disappointment.  All of which create a muddy environment for you to really see clearly and act consciously.  When you allow offence to take hold you essentially give away some of your power. You have allowed a person’s actions or in-actions, however real or perceived they may be, to shift your spirit into a different state. A state of being that is not conducive to your path of personal development and growth.  You are now a victim and victimisis (new word ) is cancerous.  This state of being keeps you from growing and renewing. When Tom did that thing that just ticked you off and now you gotta tell this person and that person. You have not stopped the forward movement and are stagnating and stewing.

Often times our offence is based on assumption and perception of people’s actions, in-actions or words. Now, some say perception is reality but that’s not entirely the case. YOUR Perception may be YOUR reality and a skewed reality but not reality in and of itself. For example, and this is a very simplistic example, but say you tell someone something very important and they just don’t respond. You’ve verbally expressed something or sent an email and they say nothing. You can get upset and offended because they don’t care, they are ignoring you OR you can ask “what else could this mean?” Could they maybe not have received the message (didn’t hear, didn’t see email etc)? There could be a whole variety of reasons, so why jump to the worst one?  Your perception and your reality is that you are feeling ignored but the reality may be they didn’t get the message. My challenge to you and myself is, when someone does something and offence threatens to creep up, stop and ask, “What else could this mean?” before jumping to the worst and allowing offence to set in and get to the truth of the matter.

Offence also puts a divide between you and the person and when the offence is based on an unproven perception, this can have adverse affects that you may regret.  I’ll leave you to think about that one.

So what about when the worst possibility is in fact the truth/reality? However they meant not malicious intent by it? A philosophy I adopted a while ago in my life is when you see how people are, accept it and just treat them accordingly. So, let’s say Jane can’t keep her mouth shut. You tell her something and she will without a doubt tell someone else. Not out of malicious intent. Jane just can’t keep her mouth shut. Now, Jane is an adult, she is who she is and you are not going to change her.  As Maya Angelou said, “when people tell you who they are – believe them”.  So just accept Jane for who she is and treat her accordingly. Simply put, just don’t tell Jane your business.  You can loan Jane money because she‘s great at paying it back. You can do all kinds of other things with Jane but don’t tell her your business. She has not developed a capacity in this area of her life. Keep her at an arm’s length, let her be who she is, but don’t get offended by who she is.

But what about when the worst possibility is in fact the truth/reality AND that person did in fact mean to do the malicious, hurtful act or those words were in fact intended in the way you received it?  Cut them off and move on. Lighten your load and you’ll be the better for it.

How you handle offenses matters. When you are going to a new level you will experience the phenomenon of Higher Levels/Higher Devils, the more you grow the bigger the potentials issues. Being able to effectively deal with things at the level you are at allows you to grow to the next level and builds a foundation for dealing with the issues at the next level.

So who has offended you? When you practice asking “what else could this mean?” and allowing people to be who they are and just treating them accordingly, you’ll open yourself up to the humanity of people and gain compassion. Another notch in your personal development tool belt!

Again this site is not just about me. Share some of your thoughts on dealing with offence.