What a ride I’ve been on the past couple of months. I went through a very dark place and came out with hope, excitement and understanding. I finally got it!
How Death Can Make You See The Light
In August I got a call that my father was very sick and potentially had cancer so I went back home to see him. About 10 days after getting back, he died.
In the process of dealing with the emotions of finding out he was sick, going home to see him and how “terrible” he looked and him succumbing to the illness and passing, I bumped, no crashed head on into…myself. I was forced by this event to look at myself and who I had become And boy, it wasn’t pretty. I brewed in anger. Wallowed in self pity. Stewed in my regrets and those regrets led me down a dark alleyway but by the grace of God, there was a very bright light at the end.
I finally truly, really saw me and my life for what it all truly was and had to fully acknowledge and accept that everything in my life, the good, the bad and the ugly was all my own doing. I had completely created this life, these experiences. I created who I was.
When someone close to you is facing death you start to relive the life you had with them, the memories, both good and bad. With everything going on I finally went deep into myself. I saw my past, my childhood for what it really was. I started remembering things I had suppressed, and in that I saw how I had repeated patterns, thought processes and behaviors. I saw how things I saw and heard shaped who I had become and the thoughts I had. I saw how these thoughts very clearly manifested in my life. I saw how I had fully created, through these seeds, the very fruits I said I didn’t want in my life.
So now what?
I knew consciously that your thoughts create your life (whether directly or indirectly) but now I had to walk in this knowledge. So I went to work identifying the fruits and uncovering the roots that cause it. Then uprooting them and replacing them. This isn’t something you can do in just a few months so I’m still working on this but what an awesome blessing and revelation to finally SEE me (below the layers) so now I can HEAL me.
My father was very unhappy with himself and his life and had been for many years and I had many regrets (which I’ve since released) about our relationship. I pray to God that wherever he is he’s found peace and I look forward to moving forward in my life and finding my joy and peace while I still have breath.
Have you ever lost someone close to you? How, if at all did that change how you lived your life? Please share..
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Aww this makes me tear up……I always think about the times I wished I had spent with the ones that have gone on and sometimes I do feel guilt. We both lost two family members and I wish I was much closer to both of them. It makes me want to make sure that the family that I have that teach them about cultivating relationships and if you haven’t heard from someone in a while reach out…no man is an island. Love the article by the way. You really have a way with words